Itachi in the Kitchen
by Tropicalna
Summary: Why Itachi isn't allowed in the Kitchen...EVER. One-shot.


Itachi in the Kitchen

**Itachi in the Kitchen!**

**Why Itachi isn't allowed in the kitchen…EVER.**

**Naruto Characters belong to Kishimoto Mashashi.**

**Serenity, Kyenta, Cuddles, and Caullie all belong to me. **

* * *

The morning started out perfect…The sun was shining, there was a slight breeze, and the birds were screaming.

"AIEEEEEEEE! KYENTA! GET BACK HERE!" A high pitched voice shattered the morning.

"Muahahahaha! Never!" The mass murderess laughed like a maniac as she fled from the utility room, where she had turned off the hot water valve.

Sighing, Pein turned to the next page in the newspaper and continued to read.

Five minutes later, Serenity stormed down the stairs in her clothes, her hair damp.

"Where is she?" Serenity asked, her voice dangerously low.

"On the back porch hiding behind the trash cans." Zetsu answered from the kitchen, pouring himself some coffee.

"Thanks." Serenity headed to the back.

"Thanks Zetsu." Kyenta said, coming up from behind the counter.

"I wouldn't thank him just yet." Said a familiar voice behind Kyenta. Startled, Kyenta jumped and turned around.

"S-Serenity! How nice to see you! Uh…Hey! No! Please! It was a joke! Have mercy!" Kyenta wailed as Serenity started to drag her away.

"Oh, I'll be merciful. So merciful in fact, that I've decided to prepare a special bath, JUST for you!" Serenity growled, struggling to keep a hold of Kyenta as she pulled her away from the others.

Zetsu calmly entered into the kitchen, carrying his cup of coffee with him, to watch the scene unfold.

In a last ditch effort, Kyenta grabbed the door frame and held on for a few minutes.

"Hey Itachi!" She said as she wrestled to get away from Serenity.

The Uchiha looked up. "Yes?"

"Would you fix me some toast? The temperature is already set at what I want it, so all you have to do it put in the toast and push the lever down." Kyenta was losing her grip on the door frame.

"Sure." Itachi said, getting up.

"Thanks-gah!" With a crunching sound, the door frame was ripped away from the wall, Kyenta along with it.

Pein winced. "Not again. That's the third time this month."

"It was about time Kyenta had a bath anyways." Caullie grunted, sipping her orange juice.

Serenity's voice, still in a deadly tone, came drifting towards them.

"I know you hate cold bathwater, so I made this especially hot. Think of it as an act of love."

"Umm, I can already feel the love from it! There's no need to carry on with your love giving!" Kyenta stammered.

"Oh, I don't think you've felt the true importance of this." Serenity said.

"No, please- AAAAAAAGH! IT BURNS!" Kyenta howled in pain.

"And that's just the beginning of my dedication towards you!" Serenity's voice sounded a bit lighter, a sign she was enjoying this.

"NOOOO!" They could hear the scrabble of nails as Kyenta made an effort to free herself from Serenity's clutches.

Then the door slammed close and they heard no more.

For a moment it opened again and Serenity shouted to them, "Don't worry, I'm videotaping it all!"

"What!?" Kyenta squeaked, but before she could carry on the door slammed close once again.

Kisame grinned. "That'll be interesting to watch." With that said, he got up and headed to his room.

"Where's the fire extinguisher?" Everyone glanced at the kitchen as Itachi clattered around the kitchen.

"By the door." Sasori said. "Why?"

Caullie sniffed the air and gagged. "Something's burning!"

"Yes, it's the toast!" This comment was followed shortly as the sound of the fire extinguisher was heard and soon the burning smell subsided slightly.

Carefully, Deidara opened the kitchen door to find the traces of black smoke in the kitchen. Most of it had dissipated and what was left was going out the window Itachi had opened up.

"What did you do, turn the temperature on max?" Deidara asked, looking at the foam that engulfed the toaster.

Itachi shook his head. "No. It just started smoking when I put the toast in. The toaster can be saved…not the toast though."

"What's it like in there?" Hidan asked.

"Half the kitchen looks like it's been burnt." Deidara answered, still taking in the scene.

Pein groaned. "More fines. Is there anything else I need to add before I get a contractor?"

Suddenly the bathroom door slammed open and the sound of running feet came to them, followed closely by Serenity's cursing as she pursued Kyenta.

There was aloud crash as a vase fell to the floor and shattered.

"Yes." Kakuzu said. "An expensive vase."

Pein's forehead hit the table in defeat.

__

Two Weeks Later…

Hidan walked into the kitchen and sat down. Cuddles, on another seat, looked up and hissed, his claws unsheathing.

Hidan didn't even notice, a sign that he hadn't had his morning coffee.

Offended, Cuddles walked out of the room.

Caullie glanced up. "Hello Sleepyhead."

"Mmmm." Was the only response she got from him.

Sighing, Caullie shook her head and returned to reading her novel.

Itachi walked into the kitchen, glanced at Hidan, and sighed.

"Want me to make you you're coffee?" Itachi asked.

"Yes." Hidan replied sleepily.

Itachi walked into the kitchen.

About 5 seconds later Serenity, Kyenta, and Deidara walked in.

"Yo Caullie!" Serenity said, looking at said girl.

"Yo yourself." Caullie growled.

"Aren't we friendly this morning?" Kyenta said sarcastically.

"Hey…" Itachi's voice floated to them from the kitchen.

"What is it?" Serenity asked.

"Is the coffee maker supposed to be smoking?"

"Umm, no, not really." Serenity raised an eyebrow.

"So then why is it- Oh shit!"

_BOOM!_

Hidan's head jolted up as Itachi stumbled out of the kitchen, the front of his Akatsuki cloak right sleeve burning slightly.

"What the hell happened?" Asked Deidara.

"The coffee machine exploded." Itachi said while extinguishing the flames on his cloak before they could progress further.

"Why?" Caullie asked, looking up from her novel.

"I don't know." The Uchiha shrugged.

"How odd. I used it half an hour ago and it worked just fine." Caullie frowned, thinking, then, deciding it wasn't worth her time, returned to the novel.

"What the heck Caullie?" Kyenta looked at her friend with a disbelieving face. "The coffee machine blows up for no reason, and you keep on calmly reading?"

"Yup."

"But it could have been an attempt to kill us!" Kyenta said, exasperated.

"Stop being paranoid Kyenta." Caullie said, her brow furrowing.

"Aren't you the least bit concerned?"

Caullie looked up at the ceiling. "Umm, let me think about that for a moment. NO."

"The machine might have been faulty or something. The worst that could have happened was a piece of metal got welded to Itachi's face. In which case it would have improved Itachi's looks by a lot." Serenity said, rolling her eyes.

Deidara snickered, while Itachi sent a nasty glare Serenity's way, which she ignored.

"In any case, we need to go get a new coffee machine, or Hidan will stay in zombie mode forever." Serenity gestured to Hidan, who, having lost interest in the situation, had returned to his half-awake state, staring straight at the opposite wall with blank, vacant eyes.

"I say Itachi should get it." Deidara said automatically.

"No. We'll all go get it." Konan said, entering the room.

"What, why?" Caullie asked.

"Because. If Itachi goes, Kyenta will insist on going with him. Then Serenity would follow them to keep an eye on Kyenta so she doesn't kill anyone. Sasori will follow Serenity so she doesn't start fighting with Kyenta, and Kisame will also most likely go with Itachi, because Itachi is his partner, and you will follow Kisame. Kakuzu has the most money, and will be the one buying the coffee machine, he'll most likely want to come along so you guys don't spend it all on something ridiculous like a food processor. Pein will come to pick out a reasonable coffee machine and to settle any squabbles that might occur. I'll follow Pein and make sure we aren't followed, suspected, or attacked without warning. Deidara will come to see if he can find any inspiration for his art, and Tobi will follow Deidara because….Tobi just likes to follow Deidara around. Zetsu will come to keep an eye on Tobi so he doesn't do anything stupid like blow our cover."

"What about Hidan?" Deidara asked, glancing at the Jashin member, who looked as if he was about to have a seizure from the fact that he had had no coffee yet.

Konan also glanced at Hidan. "Eh, he'll be fine."

"Are you sure?" Serenity asked as Hidan toppled out of his seat, having seizures from lack of caffeine.

"Yes. Don't worry, he can't die." Konan said, seemingly unconcerned.

"Well, I supposed you're right. Still, why can't we just disguise him and take him with us?" Serenity asked.

"Think about it Serenity," Caullie began, "If we ever did manage to get him into a disguise that would stay on without using a transformation jutsu, people would wonder why we brought a person who was obviously having very violent seizures to the Kitchen Appliance store, and why the heck he wasn't dead after five minutes or so."

"Good point." Serenity said, cocking her head to the side.

"Alternatively, the moment we reach the market, he'll go kamikaze and kill everyone in sight…Like last time." Deidara shuddered, remembering the time Hidan had gone to the market.

_Flashback_

"_Well, here we are! Let's go pick up the supplies we need. Remember the drill, if you get lost, STAY WHERE YOU ARE. That means you Tobi." Pein sent a meaningful glance towards the said person's way._

_Tobi, who had been eyeing a shelf full of candy, turned around and straightened. "I know!" _

_Pein nodded and continued talking. "Kyenta, remember, don't kill anyone. Caullie, try not to pick fights with anyone, and Hidan…Hidan? Where is he?" _

_Everyone looked around to find that the said Jashin believer had disappeared._

"_Where could he have gone off t-" Kakuzu was interrupted by loud scream coming from the eastern side of the market._

"_Aaaah!"_

"_Demon!"_

"_Monster!"_

_People started to run away from the eastern part of the market, screaming in terror._

"_What the hell is he doing!?" Pein exclaimed angrily._

"_Why don't we find out?" Serenity said, heading to where she had seen the flash of red metal._

_A few seconds later they arrived at the scene. _

"_Umm…" Was all Kyenta could say._

"_Oh boy. How are we going to cover THIS one up?" Sasori asked, shaking his head._

_Hidan had apparently gone psychotic, swinging his scythe around wildly killing everyone it could reach._

"_Be sacrificed to Jashin! Muahahahaha!" Hidan laughed kike a maniac as he struck down a middle-aged woman._

"_Should we stop him?" Kisame asked._

"_Yes, you fool!" Pein snapped_

"_Alright, alright!" Kisame grabbed his sword._

"_Wait a minute, shouldn't we try talking to him first?" Serenity asked._

_Konan looked at Serenity skeptically. "You know the diplomatic approach never really works with Hidan."_

"_Oh alright…But only if we get to play soccer with his head afterwards!" Serenity grinned._

_Pein sighed. "Fine whatever. Let's just stop him."_

_Letting out a cheer, Serenity took out a kunai._

"_Die!" Hidan said, injuring a young girl who appeared to be about 6 or 7 years old._

"_Wait!" Kyenta said._

_Everyone looked at her._

"_What is it now?" Itachi asked._

"_Should we really stop him?"_

_Itachi raised an eyebrow._

"_I mean, look at him! He seems to be having so much fun…" They all glanced at Hidan, who indeed seemed to be having a lot of fun killing the locals._

"_We're stopping him." Pein said firmly, a sign that there should be no more arguing._

"_Alright." Kyenta sighed._

_They got into position, each one tying rope to kunais. _

"_1…2…3…Throw them, now!" They each fired their kunai at the opposing wall, forming a kind of hexagon, with Hidan in the middle of it. _

"_Ack!" Hidan struggled as they tightened the ropes so that he was lifted off his feet._

"_Come on Hidan, let's go home." Pein started walking, as did the others, carrying Hidan with them._

"_What about our supplies?" Serenity asked._

"_We'll get them later." Pein answered as they trudged through the now empty market street._

"_Let me go, damn you! I have people to sacrifice!" Hidan snarled, attempting to get free._

"_Oh, shut up Hidan." Kakuzu growled._

_End Of Flashback_

They all shuddered.

"Well, I have a better idea." Serenity looked at Hidan.

"Hidan."

"Hmm?"

"You want coffee?"

Hidan's face lit up like a child who was told that he could have all the candy he wanted.

"Coffee?" He asked hopefully.

"Yes, coffee. But you have to come with us to get it." Serenity said.

"Okay."

"And you have to use a transformation jutsu to go as well. Oh, and you can't kill anyone."

"Okay…Starbucks?" Hidan asked.

"Erm, sure...We'll get you some Starbucks coffee. Yea." Serenity looked away nervously.

"Good." Hidan smiled faintly.

"Creepy…" Kyenta edged away. "It's almost like mind control."

_At the Marketplace, 30 minutes later…_

"I still don't see why my name has to be 'Frieda'" Caullie grumbled.

"That's enough Frieda." Pein, 'Johnny', growled.

The whole group had used transformation jutsus, and been given nicknames, which Caullie had declared "Dumb and Incredibly Stupid. I wouldn't want to name any of my kids like this."

Here's how it went.

Pein – Johnny

Konan – Samantha

Itachi – Harold (Everyone except Pein, Konan, and Zetsu burst out laughing when Pein declared Itachi's new temporary name.)

Kisame – Jimmy (Caullie had tried to convince them to call him 'Gushy Gills', but Kisame threatened to kill them all, so they changed it.)

Kyenta – Mary (Kyenta rolled her eyes and snorted at this.)

Serenity – Amy (Serenity did the same action as Kyenta did.)

Caullie – Freida (Caullie had thrown a five minute temper tantrum because of this name and threatened to go dragon on them. They still didn't change it.)

Kakuzu – Mark

Sasori – Jimmy ("What kind of name is 'Jimmy'!? I sure wouldn't name my kids that." Serenity said.)

Deidara – Dennis ("The Menace" Kyenta added.)

Tobi – Billy

Zetsu – George (Serenity, Kyenta, and Caullie had to have several minutes to recover from their fits of laughter, which included them rolling on the ground. Zetsu was not happy about this.)

Hidan – Ash (Caullie commented on how if they added "Ketchum" To it, he could be a Pokemon Trainer. Only Kyenta, Serenity, and Tobi got this.)

Now they were in the Kitchen Appliance Store, chatting amongst themselves except for Hidan, who happily sipping Starbucks coffee.

"Hey, look, Duct Tape!" Kyenta pointed to a small stack of the tape. "I wonder what would happen if we taped only part of Zetsu's mouth shut."

"I wonder what would happen if we taped you're mouth shut." Itachi grumbled.

Everyone snickered.

"You--!" Kyenta, not having a good comeback, shoved Itachi into a pyramid of Kitchen appliances.

It was like a bomb had gone off her something. The moment Itachi crashed into them, the appliances burst into flames, the fire spreading rapidly to the other merchandise.

"Holy shit!" Caullie yelled. "Let's get out of here!"

"I second you on that!" Deidara dashed for the door, followed shortly by the others (including Itachi), except for Hidan and Caullie, who calmly walked to the front entrance through a blazing inferno. (Caullie can transform into a dragon as her bloodline limit, and therefore is heat resistant. Hidan's immortal, so it didn't really affect him much, other than it warmed up his coffee quite a bit.)

When they were about 20 feet away or so, they turned to look at the fire, which had by now consumed almost all the building. Fire truck alarms sounded in the distance.

"Well, there's one thing we've learned about Itachi from all of this." Kyenta said.

Everyone looked at her.

"What's that?" Serenity asked.

"He can burn up kitchens just by touching them."

_FWAK!_

"Ow! That hurt Itachi!" Kyenta whimpered.

* * *

**Hey Peoples! That's it for this story.**

**But no worries, the kitchen adventures aren't over yet. Look out for 'Kisame in the Dining Room'. (Kind of a lame title, but yeah.)**

**And comments, advice, and pointers are apperciatted. No flames please, unless they're pointing out something I might have done wrong.**

**Thanks for Reading!**

**-Tropi**


End file.
